It's SOOOOO exciting. I discovered quite by accident that I'm a character in my new play and boy am I happy about it? Won't you celebrate it with me and have a drinkie!!!!??? LOL!!!!

LLOYD'S DEMONS BY FLOYD BRITCHCRAFT

(Lights rise on Floyd Britchcraft, smiling.)

FLOYD
Hi everyone!!! I’m Floyd Britchcraft. Welcome to Lloyd’s Demons by Floyd Britchcraft. This is a story of demons and other things. You’ll see. This night’s performance is dedicated to cast three of the real world: San Francisco and Justin from cast eight: real world Honolulu. I would also like to dedicate this performance to Andy Kaufman, JT Leroy, JD Salinger and RU Kidding. No I’m not!!! Ha! I would also like to dedicate this performance to God and to John Frederick Foutain, Jane Martin, Billy over at the Monkey House, Ted S., Michael G., Marcus, Freddy, Ryan, George, Sally, Tall Sally, Red Sally, Sally the Man and Brian George Ryan Seldes. Edward, Joey, Short Tom, Duncan, Louie, Bri Bri, Sad Brenda, Luscious, Gi Gi, Needles, Toots, Brian Morgan, Josh and Cranium Joe. And to my mother—you know who you are. Please stand up. That’s a private joke. My mother is unfortunately confined to a wheelchair. Should be confined to a nut house if you ask me!!! HA!! I’m kidding. Not really!!! No, I am. Sort of. I want to thank the wonderful cast and crew. Have you met them? They’re wonderful. Let me read you a little about them.

(FLOYD reads the bios of the entire cast and crew from the program, adding side comments about each person, mostly complimentary. He reads his own last. )

FLOYD
I will also be playing the part of Lloyd tonight. He’s the main character. Now we begin. Oh, wait, before we begin, everyone turn down your cellphones and pagers unless you’re a doctor or like a really important drug dealer. And please open all candies and talk to your friends now because you shouldn’t later when we’re doing the play. OK, here we go. Scene one.

(The entire CAST comes on stage and sits on couches.)

1
I do have a problem with the way you’re mystisizing everything.

2
What?

3
You do. It’s true.

2
I do not.

4
You do and furthermore you disrespect my feminism. I have worked long and hard on this feminism and you disrespect it constantly.

2
No I don’t.

5
You do. And you never do the dishes. And when you do, you leave chunks of food on them.

3
I agree. Two is terrible. We should kick two off the show.

1
I agree with you also. Two has to go. Right now, if not sooner.

2
But What about Lloyd?

3
Right, Lloyd.

1,2,3,4,5
(Mumble ad libs about how terrible Lloyd is.)

4
Never washes.

1
Kissed me on the mouth.

5
Stole my underwear and wore it the next day.

12345
Lloyd has to go!!! Lloyd has to go!!!

FLOYD
Here is where I enter. Hello everyone.

12345
Hi Lloyd.

FLOYD
How is everyone doing today?

12345
Terrible.

2
You tell him.

4
No, you.

5
I’ll tell him. Lloyd, we all hate you and we have decided to kick you off the show.

FLOYD
Me? But why?

3
You know why.

1
You’re terrible.

FLOYD
But I’ve always tried so hard. Always.

4
No, you haven’t.

FLOYD
But what will I tell my mother?

2
Not our problem.

FLOYD
Please, give me one more chance.

(FLOYD gets down on his knees. 1234and 5 turn their backs to him.)

FLOYD
Mother will never understand.

1
I hate him.