Blog of Floyd

the space...ahhh..of Floyd Britchcraft

Friday, October 03, 2008

I am Sarah Palin's gay friend

Remember how I said I used to live in Alaska? You don't remember? Well, it's true. Adn while i was there, i made a lot of friends. One of them was Sarah Palin. I remember when we first met. I was barbecuing in the backyard. I ran out of firewood and charcoal so I started burning books. She walked by and saw what I was doing and she shook my hand and said "What's your name? We folks have to stick together." And she winked.

At first I thought she meant us cat lovers because Flippers was nearby meowing, but later i realized she meant attractive people like us. We hung out a lot after that. We went snowshoeing and snowblowing and sled racing. Seh asked if I wanted to marry one of her younger daughters. I explained that no, I didn't want to. And she asked why and so I told her. When I think about it, I guess I came out of the closet to Sarah Palin. I cried in her arms. Seh assured me that it would be all right and that heaven and hell shared a maritime border. And that we could still be friends in the afterlife. That cheered me up.

Anyway, i moved back to new york after my northern exposure phase. It turns out chris wasn't there anyway. And last night who did I see on TV but Sarah Palin. I didn't really understadn what she was saying but I don't think she did either. I remember when she auditioned for the Wasilla production of Cat on A Hot Tin Roof. Seh didn't know what she was saying then either. She just read the lines. I was happy to see her on TV but I got bored when the old white haired man started talking so I flipped around until i fell asleep.

Anyway, I'm glad Sarah is doing well. This isn't a political blog so I dont' want to endorse her or not endorse her. Especially because I know how influenced my readers are by me. Let me just say that seh was a very nice lady to some people but dont' ever try to put lipstick on one of her dogs because she will slap you. And she is scary when she's mad. So try not to piss her off by disagreeing with her. She hates that. And don't use her hat for a strainer. And don't borrow her rifle. And if she tells you to marry her daughter, do it.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I AM CEO OF THIS BLOG

Grrr. HA! Don't you think of like a big bulldog when you hear CEO? Aren't you like Grrr? Well, i am. Grr...

If I was the CEO of a big theater company I would make lots of money and my only job would to be say no all day. I'd even say no to Neil Labute just to see the look on his face. I would be like, no, Labute, we're not doing your play. We have to do a Shakespeare play instead, and he would turn away so i would not see him cry and then he would leave the building but i would send one of my underlings after him to tell him ha ha I was just kidding. Of course we'll do your play. As long as it's hopeful. Is it hopeful? I don't read them myself. i hire someone to do that for me.

I don't understand why the same people get their plays done over and over and no one will do my melodrama about Jello and healthcare. It's true it does require 17 actors and 13 of them are drag queens, but two of them can be any sex. I mean any sex. Anyway, I guess I'll just be depressed some more about not getting my plays up. Till tomorrow when I'll cheer up and write a new play. and then I'll send another letter to the CEO's of all the theaters asking why they never responded to my last letter and wondering if they read my plays and manifestos yet. I mena I fed exed them so they've had them a while now, right?

I think I'll start just stopping by unannounced and being like Hi I'm Floyd. Did you read my play yet are you going to do it? Why not? And then I'll pretend like I'm going to set the theater on fire but I won't of course. I never set anythign on fire anymore. Not since the incident.

Spelter is feeling better. Thank you for the cards. He appreciates it. Yesterday he said "meow"

Also Happy Birthday to Kyle Ankkowitz.

Friday, January 11, 2008

TMFPP

The Matt Freeman Princess Play

In Which Matt Freeman Interviews a Princess

By Floyd Britchcraft

M Hello Princess

P Hello Matt Freeman

M You are very beautiful.

P I know. I mean, thank you.

M I like you tiara.

P Thank you.

M It’s sparkly.

P Yes

Matt looks at her tiara fro a really long time.

M Can I wear it?

Princess sighs, takes off her tiara and hands it to Matt.

M Maybe you could put it on my head.

Princess sighs and puts it on Matt’s head.

M Oh, that’s nice, isn’t it?

P Sure.

M does it look good?

P Sure.

M Tell me about your kingdom.

P We have a dragon.

M You do?

P And unicorns.

M I like unicorns.

P I know. Listen I got to meet my Prince.

M Maybe I’m your prince.

P No, you’re not.

M I could be.

P no, you couldn’t?

Matt looks despondent. Princess holds out her hand. Matt takes it in his own hand. Princess takes her hand away.

P um, the tiara.

Matt looks down. He takes off the tiara and hands it to the princess.

P Thanks.

Charles Isherwood arrives on a white stallion.

C (from up on high) You ready?

P Yes.

Charles reches down and takes Princess’s hand. They ride off together. Matt watches them go.

Floyd Britchcraft arrives.

FB This has been Matt Freeman interviews a Princess. Thank you all for coming.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

How To Watch A Play

I’ve been admiring Matt Freeman’s recent posts on theatermaking and decided to write on of my own on theaterwatching. I dedicate this post to him. He’s so cute.

How To Watch A Play

Never go to the theater alone. Always bring a friend. That way you have someone to talk to if the play gets boring and also someone has your back if you get into a shouting match in the theater lobby with one of the “regular” theatergoers. i.e. old people.

If you don’t bring a friend, who will laugh when you make fun of the actors, set, light design and other theatergoers? i.e. old people. Who will you share your popcorn with? Who will you make out with during the boring parts, or if it’s not that kind of friend, who will you watch youtube clips with during the boring parts? Because youtube is always better with a friend. Or even a friend’s friend if your friend is busy. But never go to the theater alone. That’s for old people who have outlived all their friends.

Always be open to how the play might affect you. Don’t be afraid to cry if the play is sad or shout if the play sucks. Actors like to know they are being heard. Let them know as much as possible. If the play puts you to sleep, don’t fight it. Go to sleep. But try to snore loudly so the actors know they are acting bad.

It is important to talk about the play during intermission and directly afterwards. Do it loudly. People like to know what other people think. If you see Charles Isherwood in the audience, go tell him what you think. Don’t let him get away until he hears everything you have to say. You have to be persistent. He’s wiley. You also might get him to sign my well worn copy of his book on power bottom Joey Stefano. But don’t call him Christopher. He hates that.

Even if you don’t see him, make sure you tell everyone around you what you thought of the play. If you’re not sure what you think yet, talk louder. People like to know that other people that see theater are smart so figure out how to compare the play to Stoppard. There aren’t any smart American playwrights though so if you’re seeing a Stoppard play, you should compare it to Shakespeare. If you’re seeing an Adam Rapp play, call it “plucky” and “revisionist” even if it’s Finer Noble Gasses. Never say it’s “hip.” A play immediately stops being hip the first time someone calls it hip. If you have to say “hip” say “hipster” instead. That way you sound a little ironic.

A note on food in the theater. Bring enough for everyone. Or for your row at least. Why buy one doughnut when you can bring two dozen? Everybody loves Dunkin Donuts. Even old people.

(Mother just came in and said I should stop bad mouthing old people. She heard me reading out loud what I had written so far and got haughty. So I told her I deleted all the parts that maligned old people. But I didn’t.)

(She heard me read that out loud too. I had to say, OK now I’m really deleting it. Good thing she’s blind.)

Don’t bring your cat to the theater. They don’t really like it as much as you think and it’s a waste of money. Even Spelter, my smart cat doesn't really like theater. thsi is because, deep down, theater is boring and doesn't contain a lot of fast moving objects. Spelter even hates Cats. (the Musical)

I might have more to say but I am going to go eat another meal now. Matt Freeman, call me!

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

rip Mittens

I'm sorry I haven't posted in such a long time. I was having a fight with one of my special friends. No, it wasn't about you. No. it wasn't. You are so conceited.

The other thing is that Mittens died. It hit me pretty hard. So hard I didn't hav e the strength to take her out to the trash can. Mother tried to flush her down the toilet. Mother as you know is not all there these days.

Anyway, this post is dedicated to Mittens, the best cat ever. Ok, well not the best cat. But a really good cat. OK, well she was kind of crazy and was always scratching me and hissing and she smelled bad, so maybe she wasn't the greatest cat or even beloved exactly but the house is kind of quiet without her. (and the toilet is clogged)

Mittens, she will be missed.

Flowers can be sent to my trash can once i get the strength to bring her down.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Ahh ha haha ha aha ah ha

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Why I pretended to be Jewish

People ask me, hey Floyd, will you tell us the story of why you pretended to be Jewish?  So i decided to post it here.
 
Once upon a time there was this theatre that read my play.  We can call them for the sake of argument, The Jewish Theater of America.  Billy (Let's pretend) from The Jewish Theater of America called me up and said, we like your play, and we have an open slot in our season but we only do plays by Jews.  Are you Jewish?
 
I thought long and hard.  Because Mother told me not to lie ever.  That's how i was brought up.  Not to lie.  But I wanted someone to do my play and not descriminate against me and my play Noah meets Jesus.  Well would anyone ever know if i lied?  If they saw me go to church they might.  But i could just say that I was going for research.  I am circumsized, if it ever came to that.  (it never came to that.)  Then I thought what would Jesus do?  And jesus was jewish so he would say yes.  So that's what i did.  I said yes I am a jew.  Do my play please.  and they did.  And it got bad reviews by everyone who reviewed it.  Even though they built an ark onstage and even though the cruxifiction was done as a disco number.
 
After this happened, I decided not to worry so much abotu whether or not I was not Jewish or not anything else and I sent my plays everywhere, even pretending i was a woman.  And this is when i started writing my play from the point of view of the Native Americans. 

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

a 4th of July play

(THREE KITTENS, FLITTAIL, JUSTIN and FURRRY sit on the
fire escape smoking cigaretts)

FLITTAIL
I love the 4th of July

FURRY
Me too.

JUSTIN
I don't. I hate it.

FLITTAIL
It's because you're not patriotic.

FURRY
You hate America. Go on, admit it.

JUSTIN
I will. I hate America.

FURRY AND FLITTAIL kill him and then lick the blood
off their claws.

FURRY
I never liked Justing.

FLITTAIL
Me eitehr.

FURRY
Thos hotdogs ready yet?

FLITTAIL
I hope so. Tehn after let's set off the fireworks.

FURRY
YAY!

FLITTAIL
YAY!

FURRY and FLITTAIL
Happy independence Day America--I hope you are making
the best of it both here and abroad!!

FURRY
Yay! Abraod!!

FLITTAIL
Let's go watch Fox news and set off the bottle rockets
and guns.

FURRY
Yay!

Friday, April 27, 2007

I know where Mike Daisey lives

and I went to his house and poured water on his stoop.
And then I walked out.

But he wasn't there. So maybe he thinks when he gets
back--hey my stoop is sort of clean. And
subconsciously he'll know I did it. subconsciously.

Not that I approve of what happened. But maybe he
should have his scripts laminated. like i do. All my
scripts are lamenated. so people can read them while
they're eating an not worry. i like to eat a big bowl
of ribs and read but often my book gets covered in
sauce, but not if you laminate.

I love lamination.

Friday, March 30, 2007

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, lovelies. I've
been busy. Spelter had kittens which was a big
surprise to all of us because I thought I had had her
fixed. Twice. So anyway, I've been chasing these new
kitties around for the past 2 months and boy am I
tired. Mother wants me to give them away because they
are time consuming and I have been unable to finish my
novel or my new play about a group of knights who are
armored in tupperware and then go fight the iron chef.

Also I've been watching American Idol a lot. I have
TIVO now so I just watch it over and over and over and
over. And then there is the next episode and then I
just watch that over and over. And with all the
excitement, the writing has taken a back seat.

Speaking of back seats, the dating has slowed down
some too. HA! Seriously, though Scott, give me a
call, huh? and if anyone wants a kitten, They are
half Burmese and Half something else very furry with whiskers.

Monday, January 15, 2007

praise him

Lately I have decided to open myself to God. what i
do is I hold my hands out wide and I just let God pour
in. And then I try to write a play while I'm in like
a god trance like that. Sometimes though when I have
my arms out wide the cat will jump on my lap and
disrupt the God flow and i will have to start over.

when a cat doesn't jump i have another problem though
because when god fills me with special knowledge for
me to write I don't write in English. i write in
tongues. which is ridiculous. although that has not
stopped me from doing it. here is one of my tongue
plays. I bet it is brilliant. especially because you
know God wrote it through me. I'm going to bring it
around to synagogues and churches and basques and
places where people look solemn but first I'm sharing
it with you, blog!

ghrkdg
/sdgk;hnv 'eO;TU EPFOU POWUEGLDKVZ.NXZC.V

VHJDSKH'
L.KVJ'ADS;GJ;'ADS

DS'
DVSL/SAD;'K
'SD
DSBV;KS;D
SD;.VS
'
SD/VS
'DV
nvs'DIWIOQ;S
4555555V

DSV
SDA;KASDGV

JSDV'SDLG

DSV'LJSDL/GJGV'SDF
;
AFSJASD;LV
Adsl;'advf
'sdfkv; s'dfcwepofuqa dopfef
afscpdas\ 4sdgsdga[dfsv4gva[sfmaSF
DASGVF
SDBGV S
'D;GAd\41f5ASD454
MMMMMMM
we8i67jjjdsfgo000xcb

awdgj

dcbjkkk

.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

thanksgiving this year

This year on thanksgiving mother and I are staying in.
Blind Aunt Thelma may come to visit. I hope she
doesn't drive. And Mother is cooking up some eggsalad
and french dressing. It is my job to make the turkey
because mother always forgets to turn the oven on.
(serioulsy, two years in a row)0 so it is my job now.
I decided to just buy some turkey slices at the store
and make sandwiches. If mother complains I'll just
tell her that thanksgiving was yesterday and these are
leftovers. that always works and then if BLind aunt
Thelma does arrive I can tell her the same thing.
they are sisters and have simliar memory problems that
can be exploited in this way.

Then after our sandwich dinners, where i will eat too
much and get plump (OH NO!!!), we will go to the
movies. I desperately want to see Borat. i have been
reading about Kahzickstan and am excited to learn more
abotu this troubled country from this talented young
documentarian. I hear he tells jokes in the film. I
hope they aren't racy. mother won't like it. I like
jokes though and if mother complains i will just act
like I don't know what she's talking aobut. Bor-who?
HA HA HA HA AH HA! LOL!!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

EXTRA !!! EXTRA!!!! HEAR ALL ABOUT IT!!!!!

OMG!!! EVeryone, Listen up. Kyle Ankowitz over at
fix my toilet noticed me and linked to me and now my
daily hits are up to 2 a day. That means 2 people I
don't know (one is perhaps kyle) are reading my blog.
i got all self conscious and then I felt good about
myself and then i got all self consciou again and I
almost petted allthe fur off poor Spelter (the oft
misspelt cat) HA! (still funny)

I was just so happy today to see that Kyle noticed me.
(not on his blog but noticed me watching him in his
bathroom through the window.) he wasn't fixing the
toilet though. I was wearing a disguise outside your
building, kyle but it was me. Hello! Hello over
there. Gosh i love to meet bloggers.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

The opening of my new play, Kyle Ankowitz, Master of the Universe

FLOYD
Oh, Kyle Ankowitz, t hank you so much for coming over.
I just don’t know what to do about my toilet.

KA
No problem. It’s good to meet you finally.

FLOYD
Likewise. Ha ha. I always wanted to say “likewise”
Thanks for giving me the opportunity. (to say
likewise)

KA
No problem. I really enjoy reading your blog.

FLOYD
I really enjoy your blog too. It’s so fresh and new.

KA
You’re so talented.

FLOYD
Thanks.

KA
So what seems to be the problem?

FLOYD
Well, it’s my toilet.

KA
Obviously.

FLOYD
It’s possessed by the devil.

KA
Let’s take a look.

FLOYD
It’s right here.

TOILET
Satan is my master!

FLOYD
See?

KA
I see.

TOILET
I will eat you and take you to hell.

KA
Hmmm. I’ve seen this before. I think that the toilet
stopper chain a ma jiggy is too long. If I shorten it
and say three hail marys.

TOILET
No, no!!!!

FLOYD
KYLE ANKOWITZ, you are a mad genius.!!!!

KA
Thanks.

FLOYD
HA HA

KA
HA HA

TOILET
NOOOOO. HA HA HA.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Plumb My Depthts

I have become fascinated with this new blog
http://fixmytoilet.blogspot.com/

It's about a man fixing toilets--a blog aobut how he
does it--the whole process. I am very interested in
the toilet fixing process.

I would very much like to meet this Kyle AnKowitz and
spend some time talking to him over some fruity drinks
about his process and work in the toilet industry.

I am considering making him the lead character in my
new play which I am considering calling

Kyle Ankowitz Master of the Universe

The mundane ahd become the dane which becoems the
mundane thereby showing the truth. we can only get a
the truth this way.

Spelter is shedding way too much. I'm consiering
shaving her.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

I have decided I want to be called Doctor Floyd but I
don't want to go through all the schools and paper
writing to get a doctorate or even the hassle of
finding an online degree place which will give me a
doctorate degreee. So You should just call me

Dr. Floyd Britchcraft
or Floyd Britchcraft, PhD
or Dr. Floyd Britchcraft, PhD

but I also want to be knighted. But that would
involve going to England and ingratiating myself to
the queen and I just don't have time to become best
friends of the Queen of England. I have mother to
think of, not to mention tha Mittens has been looking
a little peaked.

So please let's skip the formality and just call me

Sir Floyd Brichcraft
or Floyd Britchcraft, Knighted
or maybe Lord?
Lord Britchcraft?

or Sir Dr. Floyd Britchcraft, PhD

Yes. I'm changing all my stationaery.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006




I was doing one of my standard searches on google for Kunofsky and Lesbians and I cam across this. apparently Larry Kunofsky is a lesbian. Not that I have anything against lesbians or against Larry Kunofsky although I haven't read his article about me yet so maybe I do have something against him. but this had me scratching my head. Was he a lesbian all thsi time and no one told me?

why doesn't anyone tell me anything? Did you hear Tom Cruise is gay? why am I the last to hear anything? I had to hear it from mother who apparently heard it from her trainer who heard it from Ross Perot who hear it "{around"

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

I think Larry is mad at me.

Larry don't be mad at me.

Sorry I've been away so long Cuties. I've been doing
a lot of various things I can't talk about right now
except to say don't ask me about that right now!! I'm
sorry. I didn't mean to be cross. Just please don't
ask right now.

What I can tell you about is the historical novel I'm
writing about sawdust. Each chapter starts with
sawdust on the ground and things happen and then the
chapter is over and then there is the next chapter and
some new sawdust but it's in a different historical
era than the previos sawdust. so you see. i was
originally going to do this with rocks but that would
have been a terrible idea.

I'm also writing a serio-drama based on all the
shakespearean sonnets. All the characters are cute
little kitties. and there may be a mouse too. I
haven't decided.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Want to go all night?

That's what the email said I received. I replied,
saying:

No, I don't want to go all night. I need to get some
rest so I can get up and feed the cats in the morning
bless their furry little hearts. Don't take that
literally. My cat's don't have furry hearts. At
least i hope not. But I digress. Do you sell pills
that will make many people fall in love with me and do
whatever I want and then have some quick sex with me
quietly so as not to wake mother and then let me sleep
so I can feed the cats in the morning?

I just thought of something. Is that what roofies do?
I don't want roofies. what else do you have?

I am still waiting a reply.

lghksgwnrpg
jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj2
52222ghhhhhfds11111111111111111111111111
11111111111111111111111111111111111111
1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111
1111111111111111111111111erwqt

Oh, Mittens just jumped on the keyboard. Bless her
furry heart. LOL HA HA

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Why I love actors and the theatre

I love actors. They are like puppets. You can tell
them what to say and how to move. You can make them
kiss each other and take off their clothes.

In my last production, MY LOVER FLOYD, I had all the
actors say over and over, "I love you, Floyd." It
felt really good. And that's why I love theatre. You
can tell people what to do and make them love you.

Monday, May 22, 2006


Friday, May 19, 2006

CATS, A DRAMA BY FLOYD "THE " BRITCHCRAFT

SOUND OF CATS MEOWING

MITTENS
Hello kitten friend.

SPELTER
Hello kitten friend.

PRUE
Come play with me and this yarm.

MITTENS
I will not play with that yarn,

SPELTER
Nor I.

MITTENS
We must Plot instead to make plots.

SPELTER
YEs, plots. hmmm.

PRUE
But I want to play with the yarn.

MITTENS AND SPELTER
Do what you do Prue. The world is crashing around us
but play with your ball of yarn if you wnat. If you
don't care about the world.

PRUE
OK I will help you.

MITTENS
Good.

ENTER A DOG. THEY KILL IT.

PRUE
I hate dogs. Let's get his entrails and play with it
like yarn.

MITTENS and SPELTER
OH Prue!!!!

THEY ALL LAUGH A GREAT DEAL. They LAUGH SOME MORE AND
THEN STOP.

THERE IS AN EARTHQUAKE. THE SUN COMES OUT. A
VOLCANO. A NUCLEAR EXPLOSION> THERE IS AN ECLIPSE.

Friday, May 05, 2006

I'm still mourning because Paris got kicked off. I'm
sorry I can blog through these tears. I need to weep
some more in the bed.

Monday, May 01, 2006

There was a big blowup today. Mother cornered me in
the kitchen nook and demanded to know when I was
getting married to a nice girl. I told her never. I
don't like nice girls. "You're 43 now," she said

I don't know why she had to bring that up. I never
bring up her age.

She wanted to know if I was intimidated by women. Had
she intimidated me when I was younger by breast
feeding me too long. i told her it wasn't long enough
and in fact I'd like it to start up again if possible.
Then she refused to speak to me for the rest of our
cottage cheese and lettuce meal.

But I managed to distract her with a large ball of
yarn and she took off to the bedroom with it to wrap
it around herself so I think she's probably forgotten
about the fight now. she's severely tangled up and
doesn't seem to be wearing any clothing.

My yarn project will go on a bit longer it seems.

Friday, April 28, 2006

today is my birthday

but I am not changing what it says in the profile. I
want to feel young. And energetic. HA!

Tonight I will stay home and drink a bottle of wine
and think about what has happened this year and all of
the years of my life. or maybe I'll drink a whole
box. HA!! A box!!

Tomorrow night Franny and I will hit the town and all
the important bars until we fall asleep on a table or
in a cab on the way from one bar to the next. Last
time this happened, I woke up the next day and I had
no underwear on. But my pants were on so I'm not
really sure how that happened. unless I wasn't
wearing underwear which seems unlikely. I enjoy the
support.

Update on the yarn project--almost a third of the way
through. Spelter is much friskier than I imagined.
Will have to learn how to sing her to sleep. Frisky
kitty!!! LOL! FRISKY!!!!

Thursday, April 13, 2006


I've decided to reorganize all my yarn. So I guess we all know what I'm doing for the next month and a half. So in case you were waiting for that sweater, cutie--and all you cuties know who you are . . .you'll have to wait an extra month and a half while I reorganize.

Why does it take a month and half or longer you may ask. Well, don't forget I have cats and don't forget that I encourage their friskiness. I encourage friskiness in all God's creatures. So sometimes the yarn comes out and the cats go at it and it takes longer. I have to wait for the right time when they're all asleep but sometimes they are never all asleep. so it might take more than a month and a half.

And also sometimes Mother gets a bit frisky too and I have to clean up after her. Because she is tecnically mentally not all there and likes to wrap yarn around her toes. But she sleeps a lot too.

So I will be persistent and I will make those sweaters, ok babies?

Thursday, April 06, 2006

What I love about Theater Part ONe

I don’t know about you, but I have very specific needs when I go to the theatre. Yes, I want to be entertained and I want to be inlightened and taught something, but mostly I want to see naked people.

Because that’s what the theatre is really about, isn’t it? Being in the same room with someone who’s naked and pretending to act even if they’re not very good. Especially if they are a very sexy person. Because it’s fun to watch very sexy people try to act.

God I love plays like that. And I love you, blog. I can tell you anything. LOL!!! HA!!!

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

It's SOOOOO exciting. I discovered quite by accident that I'm a character in my new play and boy am I happy about it? Won't you celebrate it with me and have a drinkie!!!!??? LOL!!!!

LLOYD'S DEMONS BY FLOYD BRITCHCRAFT

(Lights rise on Floyd Britchcraft, smiling.)

FLOYD
Hi everyone!!! I’m Floyd Britchcraft. Welcome to Lloyd’s Demons by Floyd Britchcraft. This is a story of demons and other things. You’ll see. This night’s performance is dedicated to cast three of the real world: San Francisco and Justin from cast eight: real world Honolulu. I would also like to dedicate this performance to Andy Kaufman, JT Leroy, JD Salinger and RU Kidding. No I’m not!!! Ha! I would also like to dedicate this performance to God and to John Frederick Foutain, Jane Martin, Billy over at the Monkey House, Ted S., Michael G., Marcus, Freddy, Ryan, George, Sally, Tall Sally, Red Sally, Sally the Man and Brian George Ryan Seldes. Edward, Joey, Short Tom, Duncan, Louie, Bri Bri, Sad Brenda, Luscious, Gi Gi, Needles, Toots, Brian Morgan, Josh and Cranium Joe. And to my mother—you know who you are. Please stand up. That’s a private joke. My mother is unfortunately confined to a wheelchair. Should be confined to a nut house if you ask me!!! HA!! I’m kidding. Not really!!! No, I am. Sort of. I want to thank the wonderful cast and crew. Have you met them? They’re wonderful. Let me read you a little about them.

(FLOYD reads the bios of the entire cast and crew from the program, adding side comments about each person, mostly complimentary. He reads his own last. )

FLOYD
I will also be playing the part of Lloyd tonight. He’s the main character. Now we begin. Oh, wait, before we begin, everyone turn down your cellphones and pagers unless you’re a doctor or like a really important drug dealer. And please open all candies and talk to your friends now because you shouldn’t later when we’re doing the play. OK, here we go. Scene one.

(The entire CAST comes on stage and sits on couches.)

1
I do have a problem with the way you’re mystisizing everything.

2
What?

3
You do. It’s true.

2
I do not.

4
You do and furthermore you disrespect my feminism. I have worked long and hard on this feminism and you disrespect it constantly.

2
No I don’t.

5
You do. And you never do the dishes. And when you do, you leave chunks of food on them.

3
I agree. Two is terrible. We should kick two off the show.

1
I agree with you also. Two has to go. Right now, if not sooner.

2
But What about Lloyd?

3
Right, Lloyd.

1,2,3,4,5
(Mumble ad libs about how terrible Lloyd is.)

4
Never washes.

1
Kissed me on the mouth.

5
Stole my underwear and wore it the next day.

12345
Lloyd has to go!!! Lloyd has to go!!!

FLOYD
Here is where I enter. Hello everyone.

12345
Hi Lloyd.

FLOYD
How is everyone doing today?

12345
Terrible.

2
You tell him.

4
No, you.

5
I’ll tell him. Lloyd, we all hate you and we have decided to kick you off the show.

FLOYD
Me? But why?

3
You know why.

1
You’re terrible.

FLOYD
But I’ve always tried so hard. Always.

4
No, you haven’t.

FLOYD
But what will I tell my mother?

2
Not our problem.

FLOYD
Please, give me one more chance.

(FLOYD gets down on his knees. 1234and 5 turn their backs to him.)

FLOYD
Mother will never understand.

1
I hate him.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

WOOOOO

I'm sorry I've been gone so long. I had various activities I had to attend to. (HA)

Also I've been really busy organizing and reorganizing the silverware and taping all the delightful afternoon shows. I nap during my stories but I hate to miss them so I have to tape them. Mother likes to see me awake and running around like headless chickens or other headless fowl.

You know what I say to that? I say I don't enjoy that. And I don't.

You know what I do enjoy? American Idol. I want little cutie Paris to win. She's such a spunky little cutie. SO SPUNKY!!!!! I'm using Georgia font right now in honour of her song last night.

Now I'm going to go write an adaptation of Oscar Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest. I don't think the original is funny enough. I'm going to call it The Impotence of John Frederick Foutain. It's based on a true story. John was someone I used to know. We no longer talk.

Anyway, thanks for reading!!!! I love you all. (Some more than others.)

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

LOL

LOL has become a little limiting (although I LOVE it!! LOL!!! HA!)

So I came up with these new acronyms to more clearly and expressively express my laughter!

JUADL
Jumping Up and Down Laughing

FFHL
Fainting From Histerical Laughter

LSHMPFD
Laughing So Hard My Pants Fall Down

LSHICB,IHIDHE
Laughing So Hard I can’t Breathe, I Hope I Don’t Have Emphesema

LLAMOLP
Laughing Like A Monkey On Laughing Pills

LLJLP
Laughing Like Jean Luc Picard (ooh la la!_)


I hope you'll start using these. LOVE YOU!!!!

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Hamnet

This is a scene from HAMLET, PRINCE OF THIEVES.
I hope you love it!!!!!!! XXXOOOOOOXXXXOO


A dark and stormy night. The sound of cats
can be heard, howling and purring loudly.

Hamlet
Psst! Friends! Thieves! Where are you?

Friend 1
i'm here. Under the storm drain.

Hamlet
come out! you needn't hide yourself under the drain.

Frien 1
but I, like you, am a wanted thief. I must hide for
protection.

Hamlet
Hide no longer! We thieves will face the city like men!

Friend 2, 3, 4
What are you talking about Hamlet?

Hamlet
Ah my friends! it is grand to see you all!

Friend 3
Grand to see you too Hamlet!

Hamlet
Oh, yes. and its been too long.

(hamlet pats friend 3 on the back for a little while)

Friend 3
We have some unfinished business Hamlet.

Hamlet
oh yes! We must divy up the proceeds from the last thievery we
accomplished.

Friend 3
yes. and share the brave stories of our exploits out in the
country.

Hamlet
I love the country! It is always so beautiful - on sunny days
and
rainy days and snowy days and even windy days!

Friend 2
Hot or Cold!

Hamlet
Warm or Cool!

Friend 1
and in the country there is food to eat -

Fiend 3
It grows on Trees!

ALL
We Love the Country!

Monday, December 26, 2005

Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho HO


I hope everyone is having a slamdancin' frickin fabulous HOLIDAY!!!! I bought the cats some special toys this christmas. No, not those kind of toys, you naughty elves!! Spelter tore up all the tinsel. I like to bathe the house in tinsel. Like a big hot silver bath. Mother doesn't mind. Prue knocked down the tree on the day before christmas and he had to be sprayed with the water bottle. all and all what a great HOLIDAY!!!! WOOOO! I got everything I wanted. Was santa good to you?

Like I've seen some other people do, i'm going to have a short section from my play The Merry Wives Of Winsor:

W1
Are you from Winsor too? HAHAHA

W2
I've never been.

W3
Oh, it's lovely this time of year. You really must go.

W1
Ha HA HA.

W3
Just stay away from the flutist.

W!
(suddenly serious)
Yes, you must stay away from the flutist. Here. Eat this cake.

(They all eat cake for some time. Here enters the man with no face.)

MWNF
Are you the merry wives of Winser?

W1
Who wants to know.

W2
My Lord. Sir, you have no face.

w3
I am blind. Is it so, that the man has no face?

W1
I think all men should have no face. The copulating is so much easier. And it's also much easier to imagine you are copulating with someone else.

MWNF
Although it is true I am a man with no face, I am also a man and am hurt by things that men can be hurt by. Please Merry Wives, don't hurt me as you have hurt your husbands.

W2
Speaking of which, let us eat some more cake.

W3
Would you like to join us, man with no face?

W1
Yes, please do.

MWNF
You are all very kind as well as Merry.

(They eat cake until the flood arrives.)




NOTE FROM FLOYD
THANKS FOR READING!!!!!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!! LOL!!!
BIG HUGS
XXXXOOOOXXXXOOOOXXXXOOOXXXXOXXOXOXOX

Friday, November 18, 2005



Me and my friend Franny were in Times Square and she was like, "OMG when did the Green Giant get so hot!" And he is. So hot! Ho. Ho. Ho. Green Giant. (And his ward Little Sprout)

LOL I love you , blog community. Give me a big green hug!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Look at these Muffins!



mmmmm. muffins. hungry food. Love you all!

-floyd

Monday, November 07, 2005

OMG

I bought these chaps yesterday--you know for special occassions, and Spelter ripped them to leather shreds and now they're much more see through than I planned. I can't wear them without being extrememly embarassed. And you all know how I hate that.

Oh I love you blog community! I can tell you anything!

Except about last summer. LOL! Seriously though. I can't tell you bout last summer.

I sold a vase yesterday that it took me like a year to make--literally a year. because I have a really slow cooking kiln. actually it's more of an easy bake oven. I'm afraid to put my art in the real oven and those actual, like, kilns are --I don't know if you know--but they're really expensive. Those chaps were expensive too. Oh Spelter, what am I gonna do with you you furry ragamuffin you sweet you. sigh.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

You can be a princess!!!


OMG So Click here everyone and you too can be a princess if you win the Strawberry Shortcake Princess Sweepstakes.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Searching for New Pants.

Boy did I have a hard time the other day searching for new pants. I don't know what it is. Is it because I'm so rotund or because of my innate FASHION sense? In any case I went to every store in new york yesterday and neither mother nor I could find a good pair of pants for me.

Where are you, pants fairy? I want comfortable breathable pants with a strong elastic and preferably some sort of pants deodorant. And a watch. I need a watch. with diamonds in it. for cheap!!! LOL!!! Oh, Blog of Floyd, I love talking to you. You give me the warm fuzzies. Even when I'm sitting at home without pants.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

All about me, Floyd

People say to me, "Floyd, who are you"

Well, I am a writer and a poet and a dancer and a singer and a painter and a sculptor and a musician and an organizer and a keeper of birds and also cats. I am a good person and I used to have a moustache.

I enjoy art and culture and I like to play marbles. I enjoy television and yummy desserts and chickadees.

I once wrote a play called The Crucible even though someone else wrote a play with that name too.

I have very many crushes but I won't tell you on who unless you get a drink in me and then--WATCH OUT!!! Ha HA!

LOL!!!! This is so much fun!!!

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Kittens

I love kitten wars !!!!! :)

OMG I just adore them!!! Help me. So Cute. Cannot control myself. So cute!!

Good Morning

Here I am world!! God Bless.
 
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